Jesus Loves Me Best…Do I Know?

I don’t really know if I want to share this because it’s hard, raw and new. I’m only writing it down because writing helps me process, which is a help I desperately need these days. I’m a stuffer, and according to my mom a “professional” one. I don’t like other people to see my pain, so I push it all down until it’s so stuck the only way it’s going to come out is by combustion. So here is my attempt to release a small bit of that pressure before I erupt. 

My mom’s cancer diagnosis has been a hard pill to swallow and my emotions are still running the gamut. Due to my stuffing, I’m primarily in a state of shock where I feel very little at all. My lack of emotion makes me feel guilty and unattached. So I’m trying to count the times where tears flow freely as a blessing. I had one of those moments last night. As I listened to praise music, I was giving Jack peanut butter and bananas while the girls played in the next room. Ellie Holcomb’s You Love Me Best began to play. 

My whole life the three people I have full faith will love me until their last breath are Josh and my parents. They have seen the good, the bad and the ugly and still choose to love me. Often times they love me so well, they see my needs and struggles long before I do. My mom has a special gift for seeing right through me and helping me get to the heart of my issue. Because I’m loved so incredibly well by these three humans, I often (by often I mean like 95% of the time) take my thoughts, praises and anxieties to them instead of sharing them with the Lord. I know it’s wrong and I want to stop, but I like the immediate answers I get from a trustworthy human mouth. 

In those moments when all I want to do is let my momma hold me, hear my daddy’s voice, or feel my husband’s embrace, I want to remember the reminder sung so beautifully in the hymn, What A Friend We Have In Jesus. “Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bare, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.” He is the one who wants to hear my cries, and He is the only one who can lift my burden. Expecting my loved ones to take my burden is unrealistic and unhealthy. I cannot keep putting a weight on them that only my savior was meant to bear, because you know what…

He loves me best. As hard as it is for my earthly brain to understand, my Savior loves me immeasurably more than any human ever can. In fact, He loves me so much that He gave me those humans as a reminder of His love for me. They are imperfect examples of His perfect sacrificial and unconditional love towards me. It is very possible that I might lose those human loves this side of eternity, but if that were to be the case, He is right where He has always been. Always beside me, never giving up on me, feeling the pain I feel. He loves me best. 

Lyrics to You Love Me Best by Ellie Holcomb

My mother, she holds me
When I’m weak, she consoles me
My troubles weigh on her mind
My tears fall down from her eyes
But You, You loved me better

My father, beside me
Holds out his arm to guide me
His wisdom waits in silence
He speaks and I grow quiet
But You loved me better

And there may come a day
When all other loves have gone away
Ooo-oo-oo-oo
When darkness hems me in
You’ll be right where You have always been
Closer than the heart within my chest
Because You loved me best

The ring around my finger
To have and hold forever
It circles round like years that
We’ve walked through joys and tears
But You, but You have loved me better

And there may come a day
When all other loves have gone away
Ooo-oo-oo-oo
When darkness hems me in
You’ll be right where You have always been
Closer than the heart within my chest
Because You loved me best
(You loved me best)

And there will come a day
When the loves we’ve lost will all be raised
Ooo-oo-oo-oo
And we will sing a song
Of the One whose loved us all along
The weary world will finally find her rest
Because You, You
You, You, have loved us best